October 14: Episode 4

It's been over a month since my last update so here comes a long one. I am writing this three months after I first arrived in Korea. I feel incredibly grateful for the support, friendship, and guidance I have already received. Especially given how nervous I was in the beginning, I am so thankful that for the most part, my home and school life is manageable. Most of the time, I feel very full, both emotionally and literally (y'all know I love food). I am so lucky to be able to experience the newness of living in Korea while surrounded by lots of love and care, although it is certainly not without its challenges.

Home Life

My homestay family continues to be a great source of support and encouragement. I feel so lucky that I am not only able to spend time with them, but with a little help from Papago, we are also able to laugh a lot together, share about our days, and have some very meaningful discussions. I look forward to family dinners each night and the chats that always follow. Currently my home stay sister has been consumed by upcoming exams, so I am doing my best to offer encouragement and snacks every step along the way.

Traveling/Friends

Over the past month, I've traveled with friends to Gwangju, Damyang and Busan. Also, I had my first visitor, my friend, Kiyo (s/o to you Kiyo because I know you're reading this. You and Aunt Mary are the real homies). Gwagju and Damyang were a blast, despite the downpour from the passing typhoon. It was the first time I left Jeju and it was so fun to see my friends. As expected, we laughed a lot and talked too much. Holy Moly, (my students love this one because it sounds like my name) I missed them. The trip was also a bit of a comedy of errors, as my flight home got canceled because of the typhoon. I waited too long to rebook so I had to take a bus, a ferry, and then another bus to get home in time for school on Tuesday. So 바보. Thank goodness for homestay parents and my understanding coworkers.

Traveling in a typhoon: Expectations 

Reality

So 바보

I also had the chance to attend the Busan International Film Festival. I was able to see three movies and enjoy some great company, once again. The highlight was no doubt the screening of Korean American Director, Daniel Chon's film, Ms. Purple. Honestly, I'm still digesting it all because it was definitely one of those movies that makes you feel. Maybe I'll share more once I get my thoughts together, but for now here is the synopsis from Rotten Tomatoes:

From award-winning filmmaker Justin Chon (GOOK, 2017), MS. PURPLE is a poignant drama about Asian American sister and brother, Kasie (Tiffany Chu) and Carey (Teddy Lee), who were raised and are now seemingly stuck in Koreatown, Los Angeles. Abandoned by their mother and brought up by their father, the siblings continue to struggle with deep emotional wounds from the difficulty of the parental dynamic. Now, with their father on his death bed, the estranged Carey comes home to help Kasie care for him. As they reunite over their dying father, Kasie and Carey confront their shared past, attempting to mend their relationship.

Finally, I celebrated the arrival of "Kiyo Day" (that's what me and homestay family were calling his visit) with good food, friendship, and lots of pictures. On Hangul Day, I had the day off from school so Kiyo, our friends, and I climbed 성산일출봉 (Seongsan Ilchulbong Peak), an UNESCO World Heritage site, went to the Bunker de Lumières: Klimt, and stopped by the coffee museum. The next day, Kiyo came to school with me and we had fun co teaching and meeting my many curious students. They were disappointed that Kiyo was neither their new teacher, nor my boyfriend. After school we went to 서귀포매일올레시장 (Seogwipo Maeil Olle Market) to walk around and eat snacks, followed by a quick run into the ocean by my house, per my insistence. By all accounts, Kiyo Day was a hit.

We <3 Jeju

To celebrate Kiyo Day we had to eat black pork, a Jeju specialty

Views from 성산

Gustav Klimt Art Bunker

Post Swim selfie. No regrets

September Celebrations

September was a busy month in the birthday department. My coteacher, my homestay sister, 오빠, and myself all celebrated birthdays. There were special birthday meals, presents, and of course, I had to introduce the Clark family traditional birthday hat.

Chuseok, one of the most important Korean holidays, is also in September. Sometimes Chuseok is referred to as "Korean Thanksgiving" and it has a similar focus on food and family. For my homestay family, that meant eating lots of yummy food and preparing a table to honor the families ancestors. We also played a traditional board game called 윷놀이 (Yunnori).

School

School still has its moments, of course, but I have a lot a fun. My students are sweet boys and they make me laugh. Sometimes I wish I wasn't their teacher so I could tell them just how funny they are. Honestly, I was pretty intimidated by the thought of teaching all boys, but I really do feel like I'm in the right place. I've been joking with my friends that in a lot of ways, I feel just like them. In the same way as them, I'm really just trying to figure everything out. The independence of my first "real" job is new and I'm also emotional, hungry, and sweaty most of the time. Basically, my theory is that I'm going through second puberty right beside them.

On a more serious note, college was really hard for me. For the past few years, I spent of time feeling pretty emotionally exhausted and the day to day felt pretty grey. Thankfully, things are a lot better now, I'm happy so say that I'm in a much healthier place. However, having a full adult range of emotions back presents its own challenges. Some days, it's just a lot. I'm happy, and I'm sad, I think I'm in love for 5 seconds every time someone says hi to me, I just really want a hug sometimes, etc. Of course, I'm grateful, but sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind. That's where my students come in. They are anything BUT grey. They are a million different colors and they're moving at a hundred miles per hour. They keep my days busy,  but in the best way. Most importantly, they remind me that what I'm feeling is such a normal and natural part of life. They're feeling it because their hormones are raging, whereas I'm feeling it because my brain chemistry is finally balancing out and I'm diving into adulthood for the first time in a foreign country. Regardless of the reason, we're gonna be okay and we're gonna do it together. Whether or not my students realize it, I'm not only rooting for them, but I'm also rooting for myself that we'll all make it out in one piece.

A final note -

I am CONVINCED that my students pay more attention/are nicer to me when I look more traditionally feminine and on par with Korean women's fashion trends. I got a perm, put on a long flowy skirt, and suddenly I've become much more interesting. I am currently doing an experiment to test my theory and am only wearing skirts and dresses to school WITH a full face of makeup. You know I'm all about that data so stay tuned while I continue to make observations. I'm having fun gauging their reactions, although it's too soon to draw any conclusions. However, preliminary findings are promising, given that students have already noticed, with at least a few asking "Teacher, makeup?" and gesturing to my face with an approving thumbs up.

KAA Stuff

All in all, things are looking up for me here in Seogwipo. However, it can be a bit overwhelming, particularly because so much of what I experience here prompts me to reflect upon my lived experience as both an adoptee and a Korean America. Meanwhile, I am also expected to maintain a professional persona, navigate new relationships, and an unfamiliar cultural context, all while meeting the needs of my students. Of course, this can be exciting, but I feel an urgency (granted, some it may be my own impatience) to "figure my shit out" both professionally and personally. On a lot of days, I just want to skip ahead until I feel comfortable as a teacher and a Korean person.

My last adoptee update was admittedly a bit of a downer. As to be expected, my emotions are bit up and down, and I was definitely having a bit of a sad boi moment. However, it was certainly not the first time I questioned the legitimacy of my claim to Korean heritage. Growing up, there were very few people that could have been able to understand my confusion and even fewer that I felt comfortable sharing those feelings with. Virtually nobody validated my feelings of curiosity or need for a sense of belonging. On the contrary, most people implied that I was overstating the difficulties associated with transracial adoption, evening going so far as to question my love for my family and accuse me of lacking gratitude. Naturally, I've since dealt with a lot of self doubt and for lack of a better word, felt pretty "crazy" for struggling when most everyone around me told me that I should just be able to enjoy my life and move on.

Of course, the twists and turns of life have often brought me right to where I needed to be. My college years were particularly affirming in the sense that I was able to find community and solidarity with other Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders (AAPIs). Among many others, I am thankful for the friendships formed while I was interning with OCA - Asian Pacific American Advocates the summer after my sophomore year of college.

That summer, I met, a retired Chinese American community member who had been actively involved with OCA and the 1882 Foundation, an organization focused on bringing awareness to the significance of the 1882 Chinese Exclusion Act. He became a great mentor and friend to my fellow interns and I, but I hadn't heard his story until last summer. While a group of current and former OCA interns gathered at this man's apartment, he told us about how growing up Chinese American in the Mississippi River Delta was incredibly difficult. So difficult, in fact, that in his young adulthood, he chose to reject his Chinese heritage, including language, community, etc. It wasn't until after he retired, that this man realized how much his sense of identity, or lack thereof, as a Chinese/Asian American impacted him and his relationships. Following his retirement, he then spent three years in China teaching English.

After hearing this man's story, I knew that I needed to put my heart and soul into my Fulbright application, and I was quite moved (read: I was a blubbering mess, y'all know I'm a crybaby) having heard someone I respected as an elder articulate what I had been struggling to admit to myself for a while. I grew up without understanding my culture and feeling a deep shame about being Korean/Asian, despite always putting on a smile and laughing along to the RACIST jokes (yup, I said it) that came my way. Although it was difficult to admit, this part of my upbringing affected me and my sense of self. This man's story not only validated my feelings, but also empowered me to want to start that journey of self-discovery. As much as I respect and love this man for sharing his story, I was struck with the urgency of not wanting to wait until I'm retired to look back at my life and realize something was missing.

Fast forward to now, I constantly have to remind myself to be patient and kind as I move through my year. It's easy for me to second guess myself and question whether all of this identity "stuff" is just my emotions getting the best of me, or me being "ungrateful". However, in those moments I remember my friend and his story. I remember that this will likely be a lifelong process, as frustrating as that may be to accept. When I doubt myself, I am affirmed when those around me encourage me to keep learning Korean or when someone calls me 애경. In other words, it is meaningful to be seen as someone who belongs and to have those around me acknowledge my effort.

I'm probably rambling now, but one moment that stands out in my mind happened on my birthday. One of my coworkers, a very kind teacher gave me a Korean flag button as a gift. Of course, it nearly made me cry. I'm almost definitely overthinking it, but the gift was meaningful because it felt like someone giving me a little piece of my agency back. As I've mentioned, so much of how I am perceived in terms of race/ethnicity comes down to how I look at first glance. Because of how I look, I never had the option to blend in. Even if I'd wanted to, I couldn't forget that I was Korean/Asian, because undoubtedly someone would eventually bring it up, whether it was math class stereotypes, or pulled back eyes, and even well meaning questions about my family.

However, this small gesture was a poignant reminder of the power that I still have. This person thought that I would enjoy wearing this pin, and he was right. To me, this felt like someone giving me permission to make a choice. Beyond having to wear my face every single day, I can choose to show my pride and my desire to be part of a Korean/Korean American community. I chose to come here, I choose to keep learning Korean, I am in the process of choosing to initiate a birth search, and all of those decisions were made based on my active participation. It's so new to realize that I do have a say in all of this. Honestly, it's both empowering and incredibly overwhelming. It's all still uncharted territory, and whatever the emotional fallout will be, there's no one to point fingers at besides myself. I suppose that's a part of growing up.

So, yes, maybe it is just a pin, but it's also not, and I'm not crazy, or dramatic for thinking that.

September 4, 2019: Episode 3

Work the Process

I am writing this from the beginning of my third week of teaching, having now lived in Korea for almost exactly two months. It's been great so far here in Seogwipo, and I am enjoying that "island life." Everywhere I go, there seems to be something beautiful to look at, despite the rain. All remains well at home and at school. In a way, I feel as though I am starting to settle in, but every now and then, the newness of it all jolts me back to reality. The truth is, my year is just beginning and I'm sure there is so much yet to come that I can't even anticipate  I was reminded by a friend that it's a marathon, not a sprint, which brings me back to my distance running days. It was a good reminder that I should always be "working the process" and learning along the way.

Speaking of learning, I figured out how to make my blog easier to find. You can follow this blog! Use the "Follow" button on the right. 

School

School is surprising me. There are so many times in a day that I wonder if I'm qualified enough for this job, if I'm offending my coworkers unintentionally, or if I'm serving my students well, but I do find myself enjoying my school days. I still get nervous before I teach a new lesson and I feel the same way I did when I had to give presentations at school. I get stressed, but also a little excited by the opportunity to prove myself. Last week, I ended up going with a Bucket List lesson that definitely morphed and changed throughout the week. Although it was far from perfect, I am proud that I was able to make improvements with the help of some feedback from my sister, friends, and my co teachers. This week, I'm expanding on the Bucket List lesson and teaching Part 2 of a Future Me unit. This week, I'm hoping to do a lesson about jobs leading into a later lesson on personality/career aptitude. We'll see.

My coworkers continue to be wonderful and I am really looking forward to getting to know a few of them better during our language exchange. Twice a week, I will meet with other teachers one-on-one or in pairs to work on English conversation and also hopefully improve my Korean. I already had an impromptu session with one teacher during a break. We chatted in English about our schedules, and then she helped me read/translate a Korean picture book. I really enjoyed it and I hope that I can help my fellow teachers in some small way. I'm very curious about what they want to learn and hope I can meet their expectations. 

My main coteacher's birthday is coming up, so I am excited to help celebrate, at least in a small way. Although I've never been much of a gift giver, I was really happy to go shopping with a coworker for a present because my coteacher is so supportive. Usually giving gifts stresses me out, but with the language barrier and Korean gift giving etiquette being so prominent, I feel as though it is one of the few ways I can express gratitude well. There is often so much I want to say, and I'm beginning to understand why giving gifts is considered a love language. It really a nice way to show someone that you think of them and want to bring them just a bit of joy if you can.

My students are quite a mixed bag, as I mentioned, but it makes me happy that I am beginning to see a bit more of their personalities both in class and during the small moments I get to talk to them. For example, the boys from cooking class always say hi now and I always try to chat with the four students who help me clean my room everyday. I've tried dropping into the library during my lunch break to join the students for quiet reading just to let them know that I want to be around and get to know them. 

Honestly, I still don't quite know how to go about connecting with them beyond being as kind and genuine as I can, especially since some of my students struggle more with shyness/speaking English more than others. I really want to work on engaging with all of my students, as I think it unfortunate that often the best and most extroverted students are often favored in the classroom. That being said, soon I will start having a lunch group with students every day to practice English and play games. I really want my students to see this time as something fun and low pressure, rather than more class time or a flex session for the best students, so I am open to any and all ideas that may help make it fun.

I also got to go to my co worker's daughter's wedding reception. It was really nice, and I was glad to be with my coworkers outside of school. The reception was around lunch time, and I, along with all the other guests, shared a meal while the couple and their family walked around to greet us. Afterwards, I went for a walk in a beautiful park with some of the other teachers. They were so kind, and I am thankful that they always think to invite me places.

Me and some of my coworkers at the park!

A view from the park

A waterfall seen from the park

Life on the Home Front

Damn, am I one lucky gal. Things at home feel so normal while at the same time feeling so new. I keep catching myself in small moments where I am doubting whether or not this is actually my life. In some ways, it feels like a dream. I walk the dog with 오빠 some afternoons, and it really reminds me of the walks I often take with my own parents. We chat (with help from Papago) and poke around the trails near our house, although we don't pick up trash like I would at home. Sorry, Dad. Yet, I look around and the scenery is SO different. I tried to take some pictures of the views from our walks, but they really don't do it justice. We are only minutes from the coast and everything is always so beautiful. It makes me understand why my homestay family decided to city life behind and move to Jeju in the first place.

We have also continued having our barbecues, which is another comforting reminder of home. Anyone who knows me probably knows that for a little while, I wouldn't shut up about how much I love grilling and how much I adored the grill that I got for my birthday. I even brought it to school with  me. You know, just a gal and her grill. It was a true love affair. Anyway, grilling reminds me of home and good summer memories with friends, including my last few days of college. Of course, it doesn't hurt that the food is also DELICIOUS. Last time, we played music and had our own seated "dance party" and I'm looking forward to doing the same for my birthday (shameless plug) next week.

I also feel very lucky to be able to have some very nice conversations with 오빠 and 언니. Often, we have a quick catch-up after school or a nice chat before bed. It has been really comforting to share a bit about my family and life at home. Even with a bit of a language barrier, we manage to cover a variety of topics. We talk about our days, school, their business, and other daily happenings, but we've also discussed our opinions on a handful of political issues. I was nervous that my presence would disrupt my family's life, and while I know that they do SO MUCH for me, I am also relieved to know that we are comfortable enough to share these moments with me.

A quick update on my life as a new 언니: all is well with my my 여동생, but I do feel as though I may have failed my in my role towards my 남동생, aka Fall, aka the dog. I'm really happy that my homestay sister and I are getting along. We often chat about our days in the mornings or evening and she seems to be A ok with me hanging around with her and her friend. However, I fear that I let down my dear Fall on a walk last weekend. We came across another dog on a walk, and usually when I'm with 오빠, he picks him up. I didn't and the dog kinda attacked Fall. I panicked. Instead of being the noble 언니 I dreamed of being, I froze up and some guy had to come chase the other dog away. So 바보. On the upside, Fall is fine and doesn't seem to traumatized. The downside is that I feel like I failed some big sibling right of passage. Oh well, work the process, I suppose.

A snapshot from our barbecue

My walk home

FALL!!!

Some pictures from walks with 오빠 and Fall

KAA Stuff

Here comes the juice. As I've mentioned before, my coming to Korea often feels like both a huge professional and personal test. I received some great advice while applying that I should frame my time in Korea as a way to figure out what about Korean culture resonates with me, rather than feeling pressure to conform to some preconceived notion of what I think it means to be a "real" Korean person. Basically, I was advised to be sponge, but also not to sweat it too much if some things just don't click. Whenever people ask me about how that process is going, my default answer is that I’m just trying to learn and that I definitely know that I want my Korean to improve.

However, following a particularly poignant conversation with a fellow ETA who has family ties in Korea, I started to think more about some emerging insecurities. Specifically, I am beginning to wonder what exactly I'm expecting to find. I don’t have any known family ties here, so unlike this other person, there's no clear link to my current experience in Korea and my life back in the States. In a way, it feels unnatural to be searching for something to latch onto when none of it really feels like mine to begin with. I'm currently sitting with a rather confusing contradiction. The more I come to understand what my identity means to me, the more I grapple with the idea that I WAS a “real” Korean person, at least for a short time. I existed here as someone real with their own life and a different name, 애경 (Ae-Kyung), and I therefore have every right to seek and claim Korean-ness in a way I deem appropriate. However, at the same time, it feels a little silly to be expecting to see myself reflected back here in any real way because I also realize that I am NOT a Korean person anymore. My name is Molly, not 애경, and I live in America, not Korea.

It is strange to think that there are some people, like my foster mom, who only know me as 애경. To her, I likely still exist as a little baby somewhere. At the same time, there are people like my birth mom who may know me by no name at all, as I was given the name 애경 by a caseworker at my adoption agency. Yet, regardless of how brief, I would like to believe that I lived and was loved in Korea. Therefore, it seems pretty logical that I would feel like I lost something in “translation” when I became Molly. It is almost as though I have to mourn this other person. It's not as if long for a different life as 애경, and I know that my life would have likely been extremely difficult in Korea, but I am recognizing that my life didn't magically begin once I arrived in the States. For ten months, I was 애경, and that's not nothing.

However, unlike people with known familial connections to Korea, I can't have obvious "Aha!" moments where something cultural reminds me of a parent or grandparent. For me, there are very few opportunities to connect Korean life with my own. Therefore, I just don’t know what "resonating" is supposed to feel like, and whether or not that will ever actually really happen for me. Then, I begin to doubt if this cultural exploration is really all that important to the rest of my life, if I can’t even articulate what I’m looking for. I find myself questioning why I'm even trying to “find myself” if I don't even know whether or not there's any part of me left to find here. Sometimes, I wonder if  I should just let this go.

 All that being said, I have felt glimmers of what I think I'm looking for. Before coming to Korea, the name 애경 essentially meant nothing to me, and I'd never used it, much less identified with it in any emotional way. However, I realize now that I really like when people call me 애경. Even though only two people I know actually call me 애경 regularly, using it allows me to acknowledge that my Korean-ness is still a part of me. I didn't stop being Korean just because my name changed to Molly. Moreover, adding to the list of people who know and love 애경 feels like something close to healing. For so long, I felt as though the Korean part of me, 애경, was something I wanted distance from. For so long, I didn't want to be Korean. I am ashamed to admit it, but for a while, I hated that part of myself. Now, it makes me sad to think that little baby 애경 not only went missing for over twenty years, but also that even though I knew where she was, I was too afraid to love her.

Obviously, it's still hard, and some days are better than others in the self-love department. Not to mention I'm nowhere near ready to fully process the thought of my birth family ACTUALLY existing somewhere outside of my imagination. They not only exist, but also they likely live very much within my physical reach. I'm starting with just allowing myself to sit with the thought when it pops up, rather than shoving it back down, as per usual. Again, it's all about the process.

Housekeeping

I'm still bad at remembering to take pictures, so I'll work on that. I'm looking forward to meeting back up with some friends soon (you know who you are) and I'm so excited to see some more of Korea! Also, if I've ignored some texts, I'm sorry. I have a Korean phone number now, but can be reached via email (linked on this blog), fb messenger, or Kakao. 

August 30, 2019: Episode 2

You Can Call Me Molly Teacher (cw: mentions of student suicide, mental health in Korea)

I have officially completed my first week of teaching. My first few days were far from perfect and I am still very much learning about what kind of teacher I want to be and how I will connect with my students. I meet with each class of the school's first and second (7th and 8th) graders once a week for a total of 14 classes and close to 400 students. Here is a little bit more about week one:

The Students

As I anticipated, the students in fact sweaty little (pre) teens with bowl cuts and glasses who love to tease and constantly touch each other. The first graders are particularly energetic and seem to be a bit more interested in asking me questions about living in the States, what I think of Korea, and what my home is like. I had been warned that my students may also be interested in my personal life, and I did receive plenty of questions about my age, if I'm dating, and interestingly enough, how tall I am. I am determined to keep my age a 비밀 (bimil = secret) from my students, as I know I already look a little young. One of the highlights of my week was attending Cooking Club on Friday afternoon with some of my first graders. It was so fun to enjoy making food and getting to know them in a more casual setting. A major part of our discussion was sharing our love for rap music (I want them to think I'm cool) and anything and everything food related. The second graders are both a bit more rambunctious as well as paradoxically more shy. I've been told by my co teachers that students are likely nervous to speak English and may also suffer from the infamous 중2병 (jung-ibyeong = Grade 2 Syndrome). According to my co teacher, the second graders are notoriously "naughty," and while I haven't had to deal with any behavioral issues yet, I do sense that the second graders are much more easily distracted and generally more uncomfortable. The second graders mostly just scream "HI TEACHER!" at me in the hallway, stare a bit, and then run away.

Beyond the personality generalizations, I notice that so many of my students are incredibly busy and are dealing with a lot of academic pressure. Many of my students struggle to stay awake in class because they spend so much time studying, and many attend 학원 (hagwon = private, for-profit academies) for additional study at least a few times a week. For example, my sister doesn't return home until around 8 pm on many school nights because of math and English 학원. I had obviously heard about the intense academic culture in Korean schools before arriving, but I find that often from an American perspective, Korean students are praised for their work ethic and discipline, with little mention of the obvious downsides. I don't teach high school students, but many of them attend 학원 until 11 pm in order to prepare for the 수능 (suneung = high stakes college entrance exam) taken by third grade high school students. I know from personal experience how academic pressure has major consequences for students' mental health, and I am saddened but not surprised that in 2016, Korea reported suicide rate of 24.6/100,000 persons, the highest in the OECD. Knowing how much I struggled throughout points of my academic career to handle intense pressure, I want to be sensitive to my students' needs and bring a bit of fun into the classroom. They have so much to worry about, and I would hate to think that anything I do might add to their stress.

I'm still unsure about how I will go about trying to relate to them in a way that feels both genuine and is appropriate for the kind of professional persona I am trying to put forward. I've thought about trying my hand at PC games because they're really popular with my students, but I'm just not super interested. I'm also thinking about trying to get involved with the classes' lunch time intramural sports league, but as my dear friend Ben pointed out, I have to be good (If you know me, you know I am not. I have heart but no skill.) in order to win them over. Otherwise, I imagine myself staring down a sea of disappointed sweaty faces declaring "Teacher is lame," so I'm left at a bit of a loss. Some of my friends joke that I have the sense of humor of a teenage boy, so you would think it would be easy. My humor can be a little gross, a little aggressive, and very 바보, but I can't just run around roasting my students while laughing about poop and fake challenging them to fights. So here I am, literally googling "What do middle school boys like?" like the 멍청이 (meongcheongi = idiot) I am.

https://www.allkpop.com/article/2019/05/a-man-gifts-125-boxes-of-pizza-for-middle-school-students-who-returned-his-lost-wallet

I don't have pictures of students/don't know if I'm allowed to post them but here is an article from last year about two students who returned a wallet and were sent 125 pizzas to the school as a reward.

The Teachers

The teachers at my school are so welcoming, and I am relieved to know that my co teachers are so willing to help me. Of course, I still feel like I am a little awkward, especially with the older teachers or those that don't speak much English. I am currently still working up the courage to drop into the teacher's office and am still spending a good portion of my free time in my classroom. It's definitely still a work in progress. I eat lunch with the teachers everyday and am working on being able to add more to the conversation than letting everyone know that I like the food. There are also a few younger teachers that I am hoping to get to know a bit better (maybe make a new friend) and practice my Korean. Some of the teachers are also interested in improving their English so I will be starting a teachers' language exchange in the next few weeks. I am optimistic that I will be able to more confidently learn names and make some connections. Fingers crossed!

Teaching

So far, teaching is easily the most uncertain part of my life. While, Fulbright gave us some really great opportunities to learn, I am still a very green teacher. I started my week with and introduction lesson that was a little rough at first. I made some adjustments, and after introducing myself, I had my students partner up and ask one another basic questions while recording their partner's answer. After, I was THAT teacher and made everyone introduce their partner to the class. It was definitely lacking in the fun department and I think if I had to do it over, I would do something different. I mostly wanted to see where my students were at in terms of their speaking skills. Maybe it was a little too much given what I know now about my second graders, but I was hoping it would be a good heads up that I want to encourage speaking English out loud as much as I can.

I am in the midst of lesson planning for the next week and am thinking about starting with a future related unit and having them work on a Bucket List (Thank you to my fellow ETAs for the ideas) and have decided I want to include some kind of game every class to keep things fun and fresh. I guess it's just another one of those things that I'll have to feel out and play by ear.


Family Outings

My home stay family continues to be wonderful and they remind me of my own parents in some very comforting ways. They have taken me on a walk and a bike ride, which are some of my parents' favorite activities. We go visit the beach, which is only a few minutes away from my house on foot and poke around, just like my parents would. We also went to a recreational forest for a nice nature walk. Another thing that reminded me of home was "backyard" grilling. My family and I ate dinner outside with a little table and a gas burner. The night was perfect and I laughed my guts out.

Another small thing that makes me feel like I'm in the right place is a funny coincidence. My family and I were all talking about movies and I mentioned that I like sports movies, my favorite being Remember the Titans. I suggested that 오빠 watched and really hyped it up as my dad's (a reluctant movie watcher) favorite movie. Fast forward a day and my homestay sister comes home and tells me she watched Remember the Titans in class. It's definitely a small thing, but I guess I'm someone who believes in signs because I am taking it as a good omen.

KAA Stuff

The major thing here is that I get clocked as Korean A LOT. Immediately after I introduce myself as an English teacher, there's almost always a look of confusion and a follow up "Where are you from?" or "Are you Korean?" Anyone who knows me also knows that I could write very angsty novels about how much I HATE the question "Where are you from?" and I suspect that many POC that may be reading this can relate to this in some way. However, here I don't mind the question. In the States, "Where are you from?" feels like a thinly veiled attempt to sniff out "foreigners" which in my experience, is almost always directed at POCs, as if it is somehow impossible that we too could be seen as Americans. Yet, every time I get this question now, it feels different. Rather than trying to confirm that I am an outsider, "Where are you from?" almost feels hopeful, as if to say "Are you one of us?" So far, whenever I say that I am Korean here, it has only been met with warmth. It does often open up the question of "Why don't you speak Korean?" but rather than the judgement I expected to feel, it seems more like a concern/maybe a little pity that I never got the chance to learn. I think I am still bracing myself for that first judgmental comment to come my way, but it hasn't happened yet.

I was worried about how I would go about claiming my Korean identity here, and am lucky enough to have had plenty of support (KIMCHI BABES) in trying to figure that out. When talking to some fellow Korean Americans, I was really hung up on what I would say to people, and I remember being SHOOK when someone told me that it was totally my choice. At home, I feel obligated to explain, not only for the sake of my own budding cultural pride, but also because I am a very proud member of my family. It really bothers me that I move throughout this world with basically no one assuming correctly about who my family members are to me when I'm out in public. I'm still traumatized by the Costco guy who thought I was my dad's WIFE. So usually when I meet people, I end up having to give them a 30 second origin story. I'm used to it, but I am also used to people responding in ways I don't exactly love.

My least favorite response is when people start assuming a lot of things about my family dynamic just because my brothers and I are adopted. Yes, Martha and Dave are INCREDIBLE, but no, they're not heroes JUST because they adopted us. They're great parents because they love us just like they love my sister who is biologically related to them and they raised us well, which is literally what they LEGALLY PROMISED to do when then adopted us. So, yes, my parents are the best, but you can't assume that just because my mom didn't birth all of us.

My DAD

Anyway, I prefer the Korean responses I've gotten because no one has said anything about my parents. For once, they ask about me and only me. Usually, they tell me they're happy for me that I got to come back or ask me about why I wanted to come to Korea. I've been telling people the light version of my experience growing up in a predominately white environment and my struggle to fully understand/love myself as a result. In a way that I didn't expect, most people seem to completely understand. They say that they feel sad that I didn't grow up with other Koreans and even say that they are proud of me for wanting to learn. Honestly, it's pretty wild, because at home, I often have to fight to get those around me to understand. It's difficult to explain that although I am happy, I did grow up missing something, however big or small it may be. It is really a relief to be seen and understood the way I want to be, at least to a point.

I do want to add that although my upbringing had unique challenges, I am in a way, thankful for the perspective I have gained. I was reminded of this when talking to a third grade student who has now stopped by my room twice. He asked me questions about going to college in the States, as he shared that he hopes to do the same. We chatted for a bit and then he eventually asked me if people at American colleges are "germophobic" because I am Korean. At first, I didn't understand, but I realized that he was actually asking me about racism. Again, anyone who knows me also knows that I could write a four-part series about how the "subtle" brand of racism that so many Asian Americans and other POCs experience (aka microaggressions) is harmful, especially to young people, so I really wanted to handle my response with care. I basically just told him a simple version of the truth. Yes, he will likely encounter racism and it will likely be difficult to explain this to people around him who are not living the same experience, especially other white students. It sucks and it hurts. However, if he seeks out community and fellowship with other Korean/Asian/POC students he will likely find support. I told him that I feel lucky, because college is where I found people who not only loved me through the process, but also were able to truly empathize with my experience for essentially the first time. These people became some of my best friends and I feel so lucky to love and be loved by them.

LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!!!

This conversation felt important because it reminded me what I can bring to my work simply by being honest about who I am and what I care about. Obviously, this is a pretty perfect example of how my experience informed my professional life and allowed me to support a student in the moment, but it also helped me to start thinking about what ways I specifically may be well suited to be in the classroom with my students. At first, I was worried that my being Korean would be a disappointment for my students, as if I could never be the shiny (read: white) and new American teacher they hoped for, but now I am starting to see that may not be the case. Although I may be different from what my students might have imagined, the conversation I had this week reminded me that I have an opportunity to educate, just by existing in the space that I'm in. Maybe I'll never have another conversation with a student quite like this, but it helped me realize that I do have the ability to bring something new and important into the classroom. I just need to figure out what exactly I am capable of sharing and what my students really need from me. Again, it's all a big work in progress.

Final Thoughts

Things are pretty good out here in Seogwipo. I have a lot to think about these days, and although I don't always feel capable or qualified, I'm doing it. Hopefully, that counts for something. Also, I now have a Korean phone number so please either continue to message/call me through the app of your choice or ask for my new number. I'm working on taking more pictures! If I take more at school, I will add them in later.

August 20, 2019: Episode 1

What am I Doing Here?

Even though I said I wouldn't, here I am starting a blog. I realized Instagram just isn't my thing so I'll be posting updates here (hopefully regularly) throughout the rest of my Fulbright grant year. I'll be living in Seogwipo City on Jeju Island off the Southern coast of the Korean Peninsula. Here, I'll be teaching at an all-boys middle school and living with a home stay family.

I'm envisioning this blog as being mostly a log of what I am doing day to day for both my own record-keeping and for anyone who may be interested in what I'm up to. Since that might be a little lacking, (boring?) I'm thinking I will also be peppering in my thoughts and feelings here and there. For anyone who knows me, I'm sure they're not surprised that I want to provide at least a little bit of the juicy (or should I say Jeju-icy? ;) thanks, Julia) stuff. On that note, I anticipate a lot of the more reflection-based content to touch upon my experience adjusting to a new home, learning about a new culture, feeling out my new role as a teacher, and of course thinking about my identity as a Korean American adoptee (KAA). This post will be playing a bit of catch-up because I have now been in Korea for about a month and a half. After this, I'm thinking about formatting each post with two sections, one for what I actually did and one for my reactions. Maybe, that's a dumb idea, but I'm just gonna go with the flow. Of course, I will try to include pictures, but as stated my Insta game is WEAK so please don't expect a masterpiece.

Orientation

I arrived in Seogwipo on Friday after leaving a six-week Orientation at Yonsei University's International Campus in Songdo. On a typical weekday, the other 80 ETAs and I spent five hours taking Korean classes and attended other teaching or cultural workshops. At times, it felt like a lot of work, but I really had a blast. Here are some highlights:

I was part of the Beginner 3 KLI (Korean Language Instruction) class and had so much fun! It was a lot of work, but I loved my classmates and my teachers. We learned a lot and had our class graduation the Tuesday before I left Yonsei. My Korean is still VERY low level, but I definitely feel motivated to keep learning and am hoping to keep up my studies throughout the rest of the year. This wouldn't be complete with out a HUGE shout out to Beginner 3 and the best 선생님들 (seonsaengnim = teacher), 유진 (Yoojin) and 성호 (Seongho). 사랑해요!

Beginner 3 Class (Taken by the wonderful Ariel)

First week of class!

We love our teachers!

Yoojin, Seongho, and I on the last day of class

Outside of KLI we also listened to our Orientation Coordinators (OCs) talk about their experiences throughout their grant year(s) and how to best navigate life as an ETA. Our team was awesome and I am looking forward to reconnecting with them throughout the year. Our training also included teaching workshops and the opportunity to practice teaching at an English immersion camp, FEP (Fulbright English Program). FEP was definitely challenging for me, especially because my formal teaching experience is limited, but it was also a good learning experience. That being said, the actual classroom teaching is still one of the things I am most worried about for the coming year.


Video: My teacher Seongho and friend Aiko at 노래방

Aside from all the training, there was definitely time for some much needed fun. I made some great friends (pictured below), fell in love with 노래방 (noraebang = karaoke where you rent a room for a certain amount of time and sing your heart out with your pals), dipped my toes into the world of Korean snacks, and even hosted an impromptu Mr. Fulbright pageant for my friend Aiko's birthday. On some of the planned excursions, I visited Sokcho, went to an outdoor market, took a cooking class, and visited a Buddhist Temple.

From Left: Friends Maya, (Me), Anne, Julia, and Aiko in 한복 (hanbok = traditional Korean clothing)

My AMAZING roommate, Julia, and I on our first day of Orientation programming

Me, Aiko, and Julia enjoying Korean skincare

Maya, Anne, Aiko and I in Sokcho

Anne and I enjoying some snacks!

Cooking Class!

Moving to Seogwipo

Leading up to the end of Orientation, I was a bit of a nervous wreck. I didn't know much about my home stay family, school, or the city of Seogwipo. However, once I met my home stay family and my co teacher, a lot of those nerves went away. I live with a couple and their teenage daughter in their home/business. They run a guesthouse/bed and breakfast and my home stay sister is in her second year of middle school. They are so kind and have made me feel incredibly well cared for. We are able to communicate well and it has been fun to exchange English and Korean. There have been more than a few laughs because of my 바보 (pabo = stupid) mistakes. I call my home stay parents 언니 and 오빠 (Unnie and Oppa = big sister and big brother). I am over the moon excited to have a 여동생 (yeo dong saeng = little sister) and a DOG. I had been joking all along that as a pet-less youngest child, I have so much love to give, so hopefully, they will be willing and able to live on the receiving end of that love. Stay tuned, folks.

My home stay family and I at the beach

My co teacher picked me up from Yonsei and accompanied me on the journey to Seogwipo. From the moment she met me, a sweaty ball of nerves, she was incredibly nice and God bless her for helping me figure out how to mail my massive suitcase, rather than lug it on the plane. My co teacher is a mom and I was relived to meet her and realize that she is really eager to help me (because we all know I sure need it) and she has begun guiding me through my transition into teaching. I toured my school and have begun making the rounds to introduce myself to all the other teachers.

Thus far, things are really looking up for me and I am excited to be where I am. I'm still low key shitting (sorry, Mom, I'm going to swear here sometimes) my pants about facing down a room full of reportedly sweaty, rowdy, and bowl cut sporting pubescent boys, BUT the teacher in my position last year has been great and gave me some tips. However, a part of me does feel as though I have big shoes to fill. Oh well, there's no way of knowing until everything starts, so I'm just trying to keep myself under control until then.

KAA Stuff

Basically everyone who is close to me also knows that the past few years have been JOURNEY in regards to how I relate to my identity as a Korean American and a transracial adoptee (an adoptee of one ethnicity or racial background adopted into a family of a different ethnicity or racial identity), more specifically. I thought a lot about how my identity factored into my decision to be here when I was applying for Fulbright and I've been lucky enough to meet other Korean Americans/Asian Americans/KAAs (y'all know who you are - I LOVE YOU) throughout Orientation who have helped me continue to reflect on my experiences. There are a lot of unknowns in that department, but for those who are curious, I sent a request to my adoption agency for a release of my records before I left home, thus signalling a "soft" start to a birth search. It felt like something I needed to do given that I will be in Korea for a year. I think my expectations are reasonable, and while I am hoping for more information, I know it is unlikely. Regardless of what I am able to find out, I know I want to spend some time in Seoul and visit my agency/connect with groups of other adoptees while I'm here.

Final Thoughts

Well, those are the major highlights of my time in Korea, and overall, I am looking forward to what's to come, despite my nerves. I can't wait to explore my town and spend more time with my home stay family. I am eager to travel throughout career and visit my new friends and I am READY to eat my way through this country.

For any one who is willing and able, PLEASE VISIT ME!!! Also, I can be reached over FB messenger, Kakaotalk, Insta, and I think iMessage even though my phone number is about to change. I apologize in advance if communication is spotty for a bit. I'm trying my best to settle in.