I am writing this from the beginning of my third week of teaching, having now lived in Korea for almost exactly two months. It's been great so far here in Seogwipo, and I am enjoying that "island life." Everywhere I go, there seems to be something beautiful to look at, despite the rain. All remains well at home and at school. In a way, I feel as though I am starting to settle in, but every now and then, the newness of it all jolts me back to reality. The truth is, my year is just beginning and I'm sure there is so much yet to come that I can't even anticipate I was reminded by a friend that it's a marathon, not a sprint, which brings me back to my distance running days. It was a good reminder that I should always be "working the process" and learning along the way.
Speaking of learning, I figured out how to make my blog easier to find. You can follow this blog! Use the "Follow" button on the right.
Speaking of learning, I figured out how to make my blog easier to find. You can follow this blog! Use the "Follow" button on the right.
School
School is surprising me. There are so many times in a day that I wonder if I'm qualified enough for this job, if I'm offending my coworkers unintentionally, or if I'm serving my students well, but I do find myself enjoying my school days. I still get nervous before I teach a new lesson and I feel the same way I did when I had to give presentations at school. I get stressed, but also a little excited by the opportunity to prove myself. Last week, I ended up going with a Bucket List lesson that definitely morphed and changed throughout the week. Although it was far from perfect, I am proud that I was able to make improvements with the help of some feedback from my sister, friends, and my co teachers. This week, I'm expanding on the Bucket List lesson and teaching Part 2 of a Future Me unit. This week, I'm hoping to do a lesson about jobs leading into a later lesson on personality/career aptitude. We'll see.
My coworkers continue to be wonderful and I am really looking forward to getting to know a few of them better during our language exchange. Twice a week, I will meet with other teachers one-on-one or in pairs to work on English conversation and also hopefully improve my Korean. I already had an impromptu session with one teacher during a break. We chatted in English about our schedules, and then she helped me read/translate a Korean picture book. I really enjoyed it and I hope that I can help my fellow teachers in some small way. I'm very curious about what they want to learn and hope I can meet their expectations.
My main coteacher's birthday is coming up, so I am excited to help celebrate, at least in a small way. Although I've never been much of a gift giver, I was really happy to go shopping with a coworker for a present because my coteacher is so supportive. Usually giving gifts stresses me out, but with the language barrier and Korean gift giving etiquette being so prominent, I feel as though it is one of the few ways I can express gratitude well. There is often so much I want to say, and I'm beginning to understand why giving gifts is considered a love language. It really a nice way to show someone that you think of them and want to bring them just a bit of joy if you can.
My students are quite a mixed bag, as I mentioned, but it makes me happy that I am beginning to see a bit more of their personalities both in class and during the small moments I get to talk to them. For example, the boys from cooking class always say hi now and I always try to chat with the four students who help me clean my room everyday. I've tried dropping into the library during my lunch break to join the students for quiet reading just to let them know that I want to be around and get to know them.
Honestly, I still don't quite know how to go about connecting with them beyond being as kind and genuine as I can, especially since some of my students struggle more with shyness/speaking English more than others. I really want to work on engaging with all of my students, as I think it unfortunate that often the best and most extroverted students are often favored in the classroom. That being said, soon I will start having a lunch group with students every day to practice English and play games. I really want my students to see this time as something fun and low pressure, rather than more class time or a flex session for the best students, so I am open to any and all ideas that may help make it fun.
I also got to go to my co worker's daughter's wedding reception. It was really nice, and I was glad to be with my coworkers outside of school. The reception was around lunch time, and I, along with all the other guests, shared a meal while the couple and their family walked around to greet us. Afterwards, I went for a walk in a beautiful park with some of the other teachers. They were so kind, and I am thankful that they always think to invite me places.
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| Me and some of my coworkers at the park! |
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| A view from the park |
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| A waterfall seen from the park |
Life on the Home Front
Damn, am I one lucky gal. Things at home feel so normal while at the same time feeling so new. I keep catching myself in small moments where I am doubting whether or not this is actually my life. In some ways, it feels like a dream. I walk the dog with 오빠 some afternoons, and it really reminds me of the walks I often take with my own parents. We chat (with help from Papago) and poke around the trails near our house, although we don't pick up trash like I would at home. Sorry, Dad. Yet, I look around and the scenery is SO different. I tried to take some pictures of the views from our walks, but they really don't do it justice. We are only minutes from the coast and everything is always so beautiful. It makes me understand why my homestay family decided to city life behind and move to Jeju in the first place.
We have also continued having our barbecues, which is another comforting reminder of home. Anyone who knows me probably knows that for a little while, I wouldn't shut up about how much I love grilling and how much I adored the grill that I got for my birthday. I even brought it to school with me. You know, just a gal and her grill. It was a true love affair. Anyway, grilling reminds me of home and good summer memories with friends, including my last few days of college. Of course, it doesn't hurt that the food is also DELICIOUS. Last time, we played music and had our own seated "dance party" and I'm looking forward to doing the same for my birthday (shameless plug) next week.
I also feel very lucky to be able to have some very nice conversations with 오빠 and 언니. Often, we have a quick catch-up after school or a nice chat before bed. It has been really comforting to share a bit about my family and life at home. Even with a bit of a language barrier, we manage to cover a variety of topics. We talk about our days, school, their business, and other daily happenings, but we've also discussed our opinions on a handful of political issues. I was nervous that my presence would disrupt my family's life, and while I know that they do SO MUCH for me, I am also relieved to know that we are comfortable enough to share these moments with me.
A quick update on my life as a new 언니: all is well with my my 여동생, but I do feel as though I may have failed my in my role towards my 남동생, aka Fall, aka the dog. I'm really happy that my homestay sister and I are getting along. We often chat about our days in the mornings or evening and she seems to be A ok with me hanging around with her and her friend. However, I fear that I let down my dear Fall on a walk last weekend. We came across another dog on a walk, and usually when I'm with 오빠, he picks him up. I didn't and the dog kinda attacked Fall. I panicked. Instead of being the noble 언니 I dreamed of being, I froze up and some guy had to come chase the other dog away. So 바보. On the upside, Fall is fine and doesn't seem to traumatized. The downside is that I feel like I failed some big sibling right of passage. Oh well, work the process, I suppose.
KAA Stuff
Here comes the juice. As I've mentioned before, my coming to Korea often feels like both a huge professional and personal test. I received some great advice while applying that I should frame my time in Korea as a way to figure out what about Korean culture resonates with me, rather than feeling pressure to conform to some preconceived notion of what I think it means to be a "real" Korean person. Basically, I was advised to be sponge, but also not to sweat it too much if some things just don't click. Whenever people ask me about how that process is going, my default answer is that I’m just trying to learn and that I definitely know that I want my Korean to improve.
However, following a particularly poignant conversation with a fellow ETA who has family ties in Korea, I started to think more about some emerging insecurities. Specifically, I am beginning to wonder what exactly I'm expecting to find. I don’t have any known family ties here, so unlike this other person, there's no clear link to my current experience in Korea and my life back in the States. In a way, it feels unnatural to be searching for something to latch onto when none of it really feels like mine to begin with. I'm currently sitting with a rather confusing contradiction. The more I come to understand what my identity means to me, the more I grapple with the idea that I WAS a “real” Korean person, at least for a short time. I existed here as someone real with their own life and a different name, 애경 (Ae-Kyung), and I therefore have every right to seek and claim Korean-ness in a way I deem appropriate. However, at the same time, it feels a little silly to be expecting to see myself reflected back here in any real way because I also realize that I am NOT a Korean person anymore. My name is Molly, not 애경, and I live in America, not Korea.
It is strange to think that there are some people, like my foster mom, who only know me as 애경. To her, I likely still exist as a little baby somewhere. At the same time, there are people like my birth mom who may know me by no name at all, as I was given the name 애경 by a caseworker at my adoption agency. Yet, regardless of how brief, I would like to believe that I lived and was loved in Korea. Therefore, it seems pretty logical that I would feel like I lost something in “translation” when I became Molly. It is almost as though I have to mourn this other person. It's not as if long for a different life as 애경, and I know that my life would have likely been extremely difficult in Korea, but I am recognizing that my life didn't magically begin once I arrived in the States. For ten months, I was 애경, and that's not nothing.
However, unlike people with known familial connections to Korea, I can't have obvious "Aha!" moments where something cultural reminds me of a parent or grandparent. For me, there are very few opportunities to connect Korean life with my own. Therefore, I just don’t know what "resonating" is supposed to feel like, and whether or not that will ever actually really happen for me. Then, I begin to doubt if this cultural exploration is really all that important to the rest of my life, if I can’t even articulate what I’m looking for. I find myself questioning why I'm even trying to “find myself” if I don't even know whether or not there's any part of me left to find here. Sometimes, I wonder if I should just let this go.
All that being said, I have felt glimmers of what I think I'm looking for. Before coming to Korea, the name 애경 essentially meant nothing to me, and I'd never used it, much less identified with it in any emotional way. However, I realize now that I really like when people call me 애경. Even though only two people I know actually call me 애경 regularly, using it allows me to acknowledge that my Korean-ness is still a part of me. I didn't stop being Korean just because my name changed to Molly. Moreover, adding to the list of people who know and love 애경 feels like something close to healing. For so long, I felt as though the Korean part of me, 애경, was something I wanted distance from. For so long, I didn't want to be Korean. I am ashamed to admit it, but for a while, I hated that part of myself. Now, it makes me sad to think that little baby 애경 not only went missing for over twenty years, but also that even though I knew where she was, I was too afraid to love her.
Obviously, it's still hard, and some days are better than others in the self-love department. Not to mention I'm nowhere near ready to fully process the thought of my birth family ACTUALLY existing somewhere outside of my imagination. They not only exist, but also they likely live very much within my physical reach. I'm starting with just allowing myself to sit with the thought when it pops up, rather than shoving it back down, as per usual. Again, it's all about the process.
Housekeeping
I'm still bad at remembering to take pictures, so I'll work on that. I'm looking forward to meeting back up with some friends soon (you know who you are) and I'm so excited to see some more of Korea! Also, if I've ignored some texts, I'm sorry. I have a Korean phone number now, but can be reached via email (linked on this blog), fb messenger, or Kakao.
We have also continued having our barbecues, which is another comforting reminder of home. Anyone who knows me probably knows that for a little while, I wouldn't shut up about how much I love grilling and how much I adored the grill that I got for my birthday. I even brought it to school with me. You know, just a gal and her grill. It was a true love affair. Anyway, grilling reminds me of home and good summer memories with friends, including my last few days of college. Of course, it doesn't hurt that the food is also DELICIOUS. Last time, we played music and had our own seated "dance party" and I'm looking forward to doing the same for my birthday (shameless plug) next week.
I also feel very lucky to be able to have some very nice conversations with 오빠 and 언니. Often, we have a quick catch-up after school or a nice chat before bed. It has been really comforting to share a bit about my family and life at home. Even with a bit of a language barrier, we manage to cover a variety of topics. We talk about our days, school, their business, and other daily happenings, but we've also discussed our opinions on a handful of political issues. I was nervous that my presence would disrupt my family's life, and while I know that they do SO MUCH for me, I am also relieved to know that we are comfortable enough to share these moments with me.
A quick update on my life as a new 언니: all is well with my my 여동생, but I do feel as though I may have failed my in my role towards my 남동생, aka Fall, aka the dog. I'm really happy that my homestay sister and I are getting along. We often chat about our days in the mornings or evening and she seems to be A ok with me hanging around with her and her friend. However, I fear that I let down my dear Fall on a walk last weekend. We came across another dog on a walk, and usually when I'm with 오빠, he picks him up. I didn't and the dog kinda attacked Fall. I panicked. Instead of being the noble 언니 I dreamed of being, I froze up and some guy had to come chase the other dog away. So 바보. On the upside, Fall is fine and doesn't seem to traumatized. The downside is that I feel like I failed some big sibling right of passage. Oh well, work the process, I suppose.
A snapshot from our barbecue
My walk home
FALL!!!
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| Some pictures from walks with 오빠 and Fall |
KAA Stuff
Here comes the juice. As I've mentioned before, my coming to Korea often feels like both a huge professional and personal test. I received some great advice while applying that I should frame my time in Korea as a way to figure out what about Korean culture resonates with me, rather than feeling pressure to conform to some preconceived notion of what I think it means to be a "real" Korean person. Basically, I was advised to be sponge, but also not to sweat it too much if some things just don't click. Whenever people ask me about how that process is going, my default answer is that I’m just trying to learn and that I definitely know that I want my Korean to improve.
However, following a particularly poignant conversation with a fellow ETA who has family ties in Korea, I started to think more about some emerging insecurities. Specifically, I am beginning to wonder what exactly I'm expecting to find. I don’t have any known family ties here, so unlike this other person, there's no clear link to my current experience in Korea and my life back in the States. In a way, it feels unnatural to be searching for something to latch onto when none of it really feels like mine to begin with. I'm currently sitting with a rather confusing contradiction. The more I come to understand what my identity means to me, the more I grapple with the idea that I WAS a “real” Korean person, at least for a short time. I existed here as someone real with their own life and a different name, 애경 (Ae-Kyung), and I therefore have every right to seek and claim Korean-ness in a way I deem appropriate. However, at the same time, it feels a little silly to be expecting to see myself reflected back here in any real way because I also realize that I am NOT a Korean person anymore. My name is Molly, not 애경, and I live in America, not Korea.
It is strange to think that there are some people, like my foster mom, who only know me as 애경. To her, I likely still exist as a little baby somewhere. At the same time, there are people like my birth mom who may know me by no name at all, as I was given the name 애경 by a caseworker at my adoption agency. Yet, regardless of how brief, I would like to believe that I lived and was loved in Korea. Therefore, it seems pretty logical that I would feel like I lost something in “translation” when I became Molly. It is almost as though I have to mourn this other person. It's not as if long for a different life as 애경, and I know that my life would have likely been extremely difficult in Korea, but I am recognizing that my life didn't magically begin once I arrived in the States. For ten months, I was 애경, and that's not nothing.
However, unlike people with known familial connections to Korea, I can't have obvious "Aha!" moments where something cultural reminds me of a parent or grandparent. For me, there are very few opportunities to connect Korean life with my own. Therefore, I just don’t know what "resonating" is supposed to feel like, and whether or not that will ever actually really happen for me. Then, I begin to doubt if this cultural exploration is really all that important to the rest of my life, if I can’t even articulate what I’m looking for. I find myself questioning why I'm even trying to “find myself” if I don't even know whether or not there's any part of me left to find here. Sometimes, I wonder if I should just let this go.
All that being said, I have felt glimmers of what I think I'm looking for. Before coming to Korea, the name 애경 essentially meant nothing to me, and I'd never used it, much less identified with it in any emotional way. However, I realize now that I really like when people call me 애경. Even though only two people I know actually call me 애경 regularly, using it allows me to acknowledge that my Korean-ness is still a part of me. I didn't stop being Korean just because my name changed to Molly. Moreover, adding to the list of people who know and love 애경 feels like something close to healing. For so long, I felt as though the Korean part of me, 애경, was something I wanted distance from. For so long, I didn't want to be Korean. I am ashamed to admit it, but for a while, I hated that part of myself. Now, it makes me sad to think that little baby 애경 not only went missing for over twenty years, but also that even though I knew where she was, I was too afraid to love her.
Obviously, it's still hard, and some days are better than others in the self-love department. Not to mention I'm nowhere near ready to fully process the thought of my birth family ACTUALLY existing somewhere outside of my imagination. They not only exist, but also they likely live very much within my physical reach. I'm starting with just allowing myself to sit with the thought when it pops up, rather than shoving it back down, as per usual. Again, it's all about the process.
Housekeeping
I'm still bad at remembering to take pictures, so I'll work on that. I'm looking forward to meeting back up with some friends soon (you know who you are) and I'm so excited to see some more of Korea! Also, if I've ignored some texts, I'm sorry. I have a Korean phone number now, but can be reached via email (linked on this blog), fb messenger, or Kakao.
